So we've been busy around here. I just finished up everything for my ASU master's class on Thursday. We had Thanksgiving in Idaho Falls with Greg's family the week before that. I wish I had pictures, but I am fantastically bad at taking pictures. So just imagine Greg eating as many roll sandwiches with leftover turkey as humanly possible, and me sneaking back to the refrigerator at weird times of the day to eat pieces of the delicious chocolate cheesecake that my mother-in-law made for dinner and you'll have a pretty good idea of what we did on our time off.
Here's a realization I had over the Thanksgiving holidays: Chocolate cheesecake is a way better dessert than pie. Any kind of pie. The only reason the pilgrims didn't make cheesecake instead of pie is because they were too cold to make their own cream cheese, and they probably thought the Native Americans would be weirded out by it anyway.
Although we have been busy around here, I'm not sure our busy-ness is the real reason I haven't written in a while. Don't get me wrong, I like being busy. I honestly have really really liked being busy. I consider it to be an incredible blessing in our lives right now. I sincerely believe that my cousin Tania was totally inspired to come over and talk to us and tell me to apply for a job where she works. I turned her down flat at first, but I'm glad I felt directed to take her up on it. I feel so happy that I have a Master's program to do at nights and that I have a TOTALLY HOT and fantastic husband who kept telling me I could do it, and that I should apply at ASU.
Realization numero dos: We have lots of blessings, and lots of things that have been made up to us.
But like I said, I'm not sure our busy-ness has been the reason I haven't been writing. I guess there's only been one thing that really is on my mind to write about. And you know what?
Realization three: Sometimes you have said everything you need to say.
I guess there is other stuff I could write. Like:
1. While I had a wonderful Thanksgiving in so many ways, I also had way too much time on my hands to sit and think about how unhappy I was. I have been thinking about my babies for so long. I miss them. And now that time has gone by, I have also been confronted with what our future will be like. And it is frightening. And I crashed and burned and felt like I was drowning.
2. We've actually had a great week this past week, even though Thanksgiving was hard. Like I've said, we keep busy, and that's so good. I have finally gotten comfortable enough to joke around and be my normal sarcastic snarky self with my co-workers. Yeah, I know, took me long enough. I will never be the same person I was three years ago, or even three months ago, but I am settling into a new version of myself that I am happy with.
3. Also, it's been a great week because we went to Christmas Around the World at BYU last night, which the folk dancing ensembles put on. I told Greg months ago that I wanted to go this year. I talk about it every Christmas we've been at BYU, but we always have just missed it. I haven't mentioned it in awhile and Greg bought tickets three weeks ago and didn't tell me until Thursday. Yeah. This is why my husband is THE BESSSTTT.
4. I had a follow-up appointment at the radiology center at the hospital that went kinda bad. I have to go back again because things are not looking like they should. Depending on how everything turns out next time--and it might be totally fine--this could lead to other procedures being done in the Spring. I'm not super worried about it, but it's just kind of freaking annoying.
Realization: Greg and I may never have any more children.
Realization: If that was the case, it would be okay.
Dedication to Heavenly Father's plan doesn't entail any kind of boundaries we might want to draw, like "I will be faithful in this thing, but if you ask me to do this, I will go berserk. And I won't do it." There are people who don't have their own biological children. Why not us? My desire--and my capability--to be obedient is not dependent in any way on the thing that Heavenly Father has asked me to do. I guess I always thought things like "There's no way Heavenly Father wouldn't let me have my own children who I can carry safely and raise. There's no way He would ask me to do that." But He might ask me to do that. And that would be okay.
I remember toward the end of High School I had some experiences where I really learned a lot. I had this phrase running through my head over and over right about the time that I graduated: I will do whatever you ask me. I will do whatever you ask me. And I really meant it at the time. But now that my life is in such a different place--a harder place--I have been given the opportunity to internalize what I said, and to prove if I mean it now.
Realization: I still mean it.
Greg and I have found so many ways to be happy. We are happy. Things are working out. We have so much hope. Although so much is so uncertain, I feel something in the deepest part of me that tells me that we will have more children one day. I sincerely believe that more blessings are coming, and when they happen, they will be miraculous, and that all the promises that have been made to me will absolutely be fulfilled in the best and most meaningful ways possible. We have already been given so much, why couldn't good things keep happening? We already have children, and they were beautiful. And they are an incredible part of my life, and they are mine.
And I think they have younger siblings. And I think everything is good.