Wednesday, May 24, 2017


It's funny to look back on blog posts.

Most of my recent posts have been musings on books, quick picture dumps, stories about vacations. It's a very different place than it was when this blog started. And that's fine. It's a good thing.

But I look back at how open and vulnerable I used to be on this blog, especially about infertility and miscarriage, and you know, that was good too. I just haven't blogged that way in awhile, and since I'm out of practice I guess it's been hard to transition back to that place where I was willing to put myself out there. I did it because I wanted support and I wanted to remember, but I also did it as a way to increase overall awareness about the scary, heartbreaking, black abyss that is infertility and child loss.

So now it's like....can I do that again?

Don't read too much into this, you guys. The last thing I need it a bunch of people making assumptions about when we're going to add more kids to our family. SO DON'T DO IT, OKAY??? Guess what, I don't know if you're aware of this, but I have NO CONTROL when it comes to these things. NOOOONNNNNNNEEEEE.

But obviously it's been on my mind, which is natural when you have an almost two year old and you don't want her to grow up alone.

I guess all that I'm trying to say is that I'm kind of sad today. I am so grateful for Brynn, but I sort of feel like I'm on a time crunch to provide her with a sibling. I wish I could do that for her. But you know, time crunches and fertility don't mix with me. I thought it would be easier this time around to jump back into the heartache and the uncertainty and the disappointment and the humiliation.

How I wish a miracle would just drop out of the sky, and make it all easy and fast and safe. But you know? My miracles take more the form of healing--not avoiding the wounds. Um, but really though, could I get some of those wound-avoiding miracles? Just this once? Could I pass on the waiting and the money down the drain and the feelings of inferiority? Please?

I'd like to acknowledge right here that we all have our trials. Comparing trials to those that others are going through is, frankly, stupid. Everybody goes through hard things, whether those things are visible or not. The fact that I'm sad about my trials in this moment doesn't mean I don't see the pain of other people going through different trials. Anyway. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

But here I am, and I'm here to say infertility and miscarriage suck. I've seen it hurt some of my best friends and my beloved family members in the last few years. Today it is making me feel heavy. I am weary of it, which is challenging, because my experience tells me I have years to go before I will smell that new baby smell and feel in my heart, Mine. 

Hello, my name is Heather, and I'm sad today. These things don't go away. They stick around. They make us stronger. They make us grateful. They make us kind.

But today it makes me sad.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Books 2017 - Post 2

I didn't think I would write another book post so soon, but I've read a few more and I might as well record them while Brynn is playing.

The Perpetual Now - Michael Lemonick. Tells the story of an artist whose brain was damaged by a virus, to the point where she can't form new memories and therefore cannot access old ones either. Learning about the brain was interesting, especially when told in such an anecdotal way, but I found the book a little repetitive at times.

The Poisonwood Bible - Barbara Kingsolver. I started this once in college but, you know, sometimes it was hard to read books for fun when I was reading approximately 5672 pages every week just to keep up in class. I really loved this book. A family of missionaries goes to the Congo for a year at the time of independence from Belgium, and their lives become totally intertwined with Africa. I found the character of the despicable father to be believable at the beginning of the book, but perhaps less so as the book went on. I wished he was more involved at the end of the book but I think the way that his character was handled was very conscious on Kingsolver's part. This book was so intelligently written. I wished I understood the politics/history behind the US's involvement in the Congo revolution better, because I think it would be beneficial to get another perspective. Anyway, I highly recommend this.

Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck. Heartbreaking. Amazing how Steinbeck gets you to care so much about so many characters in such a short book.

A Thousand Miles to Freedom - Eunsun Kim. A memoir written by a woman who escaped North Korea. Perhaps written a little simplistically, but I think that only adds to the sincerity and humility of the message, and the overall power of the book. It made me want to be more educated about the Korean situation.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Books 2017

So, I've realized lately that I kind of miss blogging about books. I really liked going back and thinking hard about what I had read. I'm aware of the fact that this makes me super nerdy, but I also kind of liked having a little catalog of everything I had read in a year.

It's funny, because sometimes I am painfully aware of how little I have read. I have a degree in English and my Master's, too, but there are JUST SO MANY good books that I haven't read. In high school I read some of the "basic" classics, but I feel like in college I kind of skipped ahead and read pieces who lived in the more obscure corners of the literary canon, so in the middle there is this big gaping hole of classic books I just haven't read. It's okay though, you know? My best professors were always the ones who would readily admit that there is always more to read, and they themselves felt like they hadn't read enough.

So this year I'm trying to fill in my holes and read more classics, but that is a less important goal than just reading good things and continuing to learn.

Books so far from 2017 (Two of these are repeat reads. Ahem, I'll let you guess which)

The Music of Dolphins - Karen Hesse. Funny story about this book, my teacher read it to our class in the fifth grade. But I missed parts she read aloud because of ELP and orchestra, so I've always wanted to go back and read it, and I did. Very interesting, sad but sweet.

The Outsiders - S.E. Hinton

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

The Inheritance - Charles Finch. Part of a series of guilty pleasure mystery novels.

State of Wonder - Ann Patchett. I was mostly interested in this because one of my favorite books in the world, Journey to the River Sea, is also set in Manaus, Brazil, at the mouth of the Amazon. A scientist goes to the Amazon to get information about a dead colleague and a bunch of interesting weird sciencey stuff happens. But the ending was kind of terrible.

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn - Betty Smith. LOVED this. Should have read it years ago.

Night - Elie Wiesel

A Tale of Two Cities - Charles Dickens. I finally read this dang blasted book. And I liked it. I didn't love it, but I liked it.

The Wives of Los Alamos -TaraShea Nesbit. Written from a unique perspective. Tells stories from the point of view of women who lived in the top secret facility where the atom bomb was developed during WWII. 

1984 - George Orwell. Blew my mind. I found myself thinking not only about the political scene but also a lot about gospel principles. God does expect us to submit to Him and give Him our free will, but it is all about us gaining happiness. It is about us improving and growing and loving and changing and actually choosing something better. It is not just about God having power. Anyway, this made me think very deeply about how obedience can be freedom (because of the Big Brother saying "Slavery is Freedom") and WHY that is true only if it is done in the right way. It is so easy for this concept to be subtly manipulated into something so heinous. Such a terrifically tragic book, but so good at the same time. 

Anyways, those are my books so far. Any other good suggestions? 

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Happy Easter!

For FHE on Monday we dyed Easter eggs! It is so fun for Greg and I to finally get to do all this fun holiday kids stuff. Greg was quite afraid that Brynn would spill dye all over our table/carpet/chairs/whatever, which I have to admit was a pretty legitimate fear, considering she's a one year old with a fervent love for throwing food, but all in all it was a great success. 

Brynn was initially pretty confused about this whole egg dipping thing, but she seemed to catch on and enjoy it. 

We tried to get her to color the eggs with crayons too, but that mostly evolved into her smashing them on the table. 

The cutest little egg-dyer I ever did see! 

Some of our finished products. Hey, we never said we were actually good at this. Also I don't know what I'm doing with my hands in this picture. 

Even though she was confused at the get-go, she got pretty attached to her brightly color eggs as the night when on. This is Brynn refusing to go to bed because she was sad we put the eggs in the refrigerator. 

It was a fun start to our Easter week. I've been studying what connection Easter eggs have to the Atonement and the Resurrection, because I'm going to talk about it with the primary kids at our ward egg hunt on Saturday. Eggs are a symbol of new life, and they initially were dyed red to remember the blood of Jesus Christ. The hard shell also symbolizes the tomb--a tomb that can be broken and eventually be empty. Matthew 28:6 - "He is not here: for he is risen, as he said." 

Easter has taken on new significance for me these past few years. Because of the love of Jesus Christ my family can be whole. I love celebrating this time of year and I hope we are always able to have meaningful traditions so that it is special for Brynn. 

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Trip for Jenna's Wedding

Greg's little sister Jenna got married in March, and we had a blast going to Idaho in the springtime to celebrate with her. It was actually the first time since 2012 that all of Greg's siblings have been together. It was super fun, but also made us miss everyone a lot. Thanks to my great sister in law Calise, we have these cute pictures to remember the week. 

Here are some adorable ones of Brynn playing Grandma's piano. 

All dressed up in our wedding clothes. Grandma made this dress! 

With Aunt Megan at the temple. We love her. 

The Bride and Groom, Jenna and Justin. Cute couple! 

Had some time for family pictures between the sealing and the luncheon. 


Have to give the nephews a hard time every once in awhile. Pat takes the brunt of it since he's the oldest one. 

This grandparents and grandkids picture wasn't too successful. 

Greg's wonderful parents. 

All the boys. Grandpa Zollinger is 95 (I think).  

I don't think pictures could do justice to how beautiful the reception was, but here are a few. 

The day we left. Greg may or may not have run to the store very very late at night after we were cleaning up the reception to buy a ball so they could play "Jump Ball." 

Greg says "Look at my hops." 

These brothers have something special, and, cheesy at it may sound, I feel so lucky to have inherited these good men as my brothers when I married into the Zollinger clan. 

One last picture of Grandma and Brynn. 

Everyone ran along the car as we drove away. Sniff! 

How I love all these people. 

Monday, March 6, 2017

Disney Extravaganza 2017

I always want to write clever things on here, but instead this little blog has turned more into a dumping ground for cute pictures of Brynn and our Florida adventures. I guess there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, Brynn is really cute and Florida is really fun.

In the last few weeks we used up 3 days on our Disney pass. Woot woot. A few weeks ago we went to Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios with our good friends, and then on Saturday we did Magic Kingdom. Man oh man, Disney never gets old. Zippity doo dah, I love this stuff. I enjoyed Animal Kingdom a lot more than I thought I would. It's the only park we hadn't done before, and it might be a very, very close favorite behind Magic Kingdom. I wish I had gotten some pictures on the Safari. That is really, really cool because a lot of the animals roam free around the car.

Brynn takes special pleasure in marking her territory on glass. I wish I could remember what animal this is, but I don't.

Best done in pairs:

Huge killer bats ^

Andy's Room in Hollywood Studios! 

It was so fun to be able to take Brynn on some rides. Look how cute and little she is. Brynn is not quite old enough to really enjoy it...most of the time she gets a little nervous, or downright terrified. 

Did you know they do ice cream cookie sandwiches at Disney? YUMMMM. Brynn wanted in on the action. 

T and Brynn, just riding around that one planet with the Ewoks. Best picture we got all trip! 

Magic Kingdom! 

Waiting in line for Aladdin's magic carpet ride. 

Brynn tasting her first Dole Whip. 

This was dinner time: 

Yeah, we got both Dole Whips and sundaes on Main Street. BAM, that's how we do it. I'm a little sad that all our Disney days are used up, but you know what? 

We still have one more day at Universal! 

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

18 Months!

Happy Valentine's Day! To celebrate we had pink waffles this morning. We are also celebrating the fact that Brynn is 18 months old today! Yay! *And sniff!* 

I can't give you any stats because we haven't had an appointment yet, but I can say that she seems older to me everyday. She "talks" all the time to us. Sounds like this: (with urgency) "Behoo nubad die na daheh die." She likes saying "die" a lot. She used to answer every question "Yeah!" with gusto. But now she has a perfect little sing song "Noooooooo." 

Favorite foods are mac and cheese and any dinner with cream cheese in the recipe. She likes shutting herself in rooms alone, and when I come get her she says "Bye" and tries to shut me out again. She liked going to nursery on Sunday but didn't love it when they turned off the light for nap time (1pm church calls for desperate measures). She screamed and screamed until Daddy heard her all the way across the building in priesthood. She likes taking walks and going to playgroup with friends. She loves to take Mommy and Daddy's books off the shelves and sit on the couch and pretend to read. She also LOVES coloring, but you can't let her do it by herself because she loves chewing on crayons even more than she loves to color. 

Big girl ponytail. 

Reading books with our friends! 

More play time! She also loves to carry my keys wherever she goes. I'm so surprised we haven't lost them yet. 

Church is over people, Truman and I are ready to go! 

Brynn also really loves swinging! She could stay in that swing for hours if I let her.