Catch-Up Photo Dump. My Babies Are So Big.

I looked through the blog just a bit ago, and it was fun to see all the memories we've made as a family the last few years. In an attempt to document all of the stuff that I, uh, haven't documented, here is a photo dump of some cool stuff we've been up to lately in the Zollinger household. No, it's not terrible that I'm trying to catch up on 3 months with one post. Deal with it.

We went to Bear Lake with Greg's family in August. Why is this the best picture I have? Not sure. But Callum is cute, right?

Brynn turned 4! She had a unicorn cake and got an Elsa doll. 

Also we celebrated Greg's birthday! The big 31. He got only one present. That's right, folks. Only one. In my defense, it's a REALLY BIG PRESENT. It's an EXPERIENCE. It's the same present I got for my birthday this year, and I'm sure we'll tell people about it when we go. I'm both excited and terrified. 

Brynn's first day of Preschool! She loves it. Look how big she is. 

AND Callum turned 1! It's crazy. We have a lot of birthdays in the late summer around here. I can't believe it's been a year since he was born. 

Blueberry mousse! Callum couldn't exactly request a cake flavor, but he is a BIG fan of blueberries. 

Callum has also decided that it can be fun to play at the park, even in cold weather. One of the things I like about where we live is that we can walk very easily to a pretty cool park. I'm trying really hard to get outside often, even if I wish it was warmer! Look how happy that boy is. 

We visited a pumpkin patch with Brynn's preschool. She wanted ALL the pumpkins. 

Here's Brynn in her little Halloween show. CUTE CUTE CUTE. 

Case in point: Brynn with her very first library card. Can you make out the name? That's right. She can write her name itself. I was not prepared for how proud/sentimental I was the first time she wrote her name without help. It's silly, but also wonderful. 

Well, that's just a few quick highlights from us. Maybe in a few years I'll look back and be glad that I can revisit these pictures. Children are only small once. 

So We Moved to Utah

Well, the title says it all.

On July 12 we packed up and shipped out.

Last trip to the beach. 

Found the world's largest easel on our drive. If you need to locate it, it's next to Bubba's Meat Block and Bill's Shootin' Shop. Thanks Aunt Megan for coming with us! 

Callum on move-in day. 

The bunnies at Aunt Cathy's house. Brynn is escaping. She is not really an animal person. 

Anyway, in April sometime, a recruiter for Qualtrics came looking for Greg, and we thought, why not? Let's see where this takes us. Qualtrics is a great company, and Greg has not been exactly thrilled with some things going on at JnJ lately. The whole time, I thought that there was NO WAY we'd ever actually take the job.

Well, the calls went well. The online chats went well. The in-person interview went well. Next thing I know, we get a job offer here in Provo.

Greg was happy. I was happy for Greg.

But I was not happy about moving to Utah.

So, I have to pause here. I always feel a little bit guilty when acknowledging that moving to Utah wasn't my big dream or anything like that. We both have family in Utah, and that's a really good thing, you know? Of course it's been fun being back closer to where we both grew up. It's also very nice to be back in Provo where we met and dated, and there's a special security in knowing that Austin and Daniel's resting place is close by and I can go visit them whenever I want. It's also pretty cool that there are lots more temples out here than in Florida.

But, you know what?

I liked Florida. I loved Florida. I loved the storms that came off the ocean. I loved the walls of green forests that sheltered brackish creeks and turtles and alligators and dark musty swamp earth. I loved the dragonflies as big as my palms. I loved the swelter and the night-time noises of frogs in our backyard. Once that sand gets in your bloodstream you never really get it out.

I liked having adventures. I liked being with Greg and my kids out on our own. I liked traveling up to Savannah or Charleston or Atlanta. For crying out loud, I liked our DISNEY PASSES. I'm a wandering soul. And that's the way I like it. I would move 100 times before I grow old, just to experience something new. That doesn't mean I don't want roots. Of course, I miss my friends and my beautiful home back in Jacksonville.

And that's the thing. People treat me like I have roots in Utah that I must have been dying to get back to. But I didn't. If anything, I had roots in Jacksonville. Roots in the swamp country and roots that climbed into the ocean and wanted to float forever in the waves.

"Aren't you so glad to be back home?" people ask. Well, I suppose. In some ways. But Utah was never really my home.

I always dreamed that we would make it back up to the Northeast eventually. If we were going to move, that's where I wanted to go next. Back to Pennsylvania and the 200 year old farm houses and the winding roads built on colonial wagon tracks and the weekend trips into New York City.

But now we live in Utah. And Utah is...Utah.

I'm getting used to it. I miss my house. We are renting a new little townhome in Vineyard and it's kind of terrible. I miss being a homeowner. I miss having my own yard and not having strangers walk right outside my window. But it's fine.

I have really loved being closer to family. We've already been to my grandmother's 90th birthday party and a few other things that we otherwise would have just missed out on.

But I don't think the wanderlust will ever really go away. I crave new places. I want bright shores. I want big lands. I'm already planning where we'll go next. "Home" is with Greg and Brynn and Cal. Home is somewhere else. I'm homesick, but I don't even know where "Home" is exactly. Home is a feeling, and it's not a feeling that I have here.

I was heartbroken to leave Florida. Greg loves his job at Qualtrics and it does me good to see him happy. I know that this move was the right thing for our family, but that doesn't mean it was easy.

I guess we'll see where we end up. For now, I'm enjoying the journey and we have plans to experience new things here in Utah. That's enough for now. So why am I itching to move again? Because I am, and we just got here.

A Recap and A Moment

Okay. It's been a while. I'm aware.

Having a new baby is craziness, but right now both my kids are sleeping and something happened that I really want to remember. So how about I do a little recap of the last few months and then try to remember what I wanted to say from an hour ago? Too much in one post? Deal with it, internet people.

First, some pictures:

This is Callum a few days after he came home from the NICU. He probably weighed less than 6.5 lbs. So tiny. It's good to look back and see how much he's grown.

Christmas Day. Brynn is an amazing big sister. 

Do you see the floating mountains of Pandora? We got Disney passes this year. Big ol' splurge because HOSPITAL happened to our family for 9 weeks straight and it drove us to our limits so WE DESERVE DISNEY. 

Brynn on her first Sunday as a Sunbeam (three year old class at church)! Sniff! 

Just look at my darling baby. Just look at him. Those blue eyes. He is a happy, smiley little boy. He has my heart. 

Shenanigans with sissy...

A friend snapped this picture of me at the park just a week or so ago. Okay, I have like ten more pounds to go before I get to pre-Callum weight. But isn't he so sweet? He fell asleep in my arms as I pushed Brynn on the swings. 

Flower chain. Because you are only three once. 

I just love this little family of mine. I just love love love them. They make me so happy. 

It blows my mind how fast time has gone by lately. Cliche much? But I mean it. Callum has grown so much, and so has Brynn. Cal is healthy, and though we might have to wait a bit to know how he'll develop after being born 9 weeks early, things are looking so good. We are so lovingly blessed by a Father who knows us.

Maybe time has gone by so quickly because our experience with having Callum in such a crazy way still colors my thoughts everyday. Obviously it has, because he's been home almost 6 months and I still feel the need to write about it. People ask how he's doing occasionally, and usually I say he's doing great, which is true. 

But you know what? This whole thing affected me. Months have gone by and it's still affecting me. 

For the most part, I am proud of how Greg and I dealt with Callum's crazy birth. We just buckled down and did what needed to be done. I only had one crazy person meltdown the whole time. I don't know how I dealt with him being in the NICU for six weeks. I don't know how I did it. How did I come home without him day after day after day? How did I pump and pump and pump and pump and pump, knowing that he still couldn't nurse and maybe wouldn't be able to for weeks? How did I make that drive to the hospital three, sometimes four times a day? How did I deal with leaving Brynn alone at home after having been without her for so long already? How did I feed him in the dead of night when he choked so often and it took so much effort and I was so exhausted? 

I don't know. But we did it. Somehow we did it. 

But just because we were brave doesn't mean it wasn't hard. Just because we worked really hard to have a good attitude doesn't mean it didn't shake me to my core. 

First of all, PPROM haunts me. This isn't a fluke. It's a scary thing that I can't ignore and I can't fix. I have looked for information on the reoccurence of a woman's water breaking early. There is almost no research on it, because most women do not try to have more children after this happens to them. So that knowledge just floats around in my world and I have yet to really process it. 

Also, is Callum okay? Yes, he is. But is he? How do I make sure that I don't treat him differently from Brynn? How do I stop wondering if he really is "okay"? Because he is. But...is he? So I try not to think about this often, and most of the time I succeed because my kids need me and my baby is adorable and laughing and growing and eating and breathing and I'm busy. 

But is he okay, though? After days of being intubated and days of being on oxygen and antibiotics and some issue with white matter in his brain...is he okay? And when will this stop nagging at the back of my brain. Never. Because I'm his mom. 

Also, if I ever have to enter any kind of hospital again, I will have panic attacks on panic attacks. I cannot go back. I dealt with it when I had to, and now I never want to ever again. I saw one of those hospital food trays in a TV show and the sight filled me with anger and all sorts of angst. So that's a thing. 

Our lives have returned to normal. But they haven't really, because we have to find a new normal, and I'm not sure I've found it yet. 

But I love my family, and right now, they are whole and safe, and that's enough. 

Tonight Greg was gone, and the kids were in bed. We are trying to move up Callum's bedtime as he drops a nap, but it was a tiny bit rough tonight, and Cal woke up crying just as it started raining. It was one of those big, sudden storms that comes off the ocean, and the thunder and the noise was enough to remind me that we live in the tropics. 

Brynn came out of her room with tears on her cheeks. Usually she is not afraid of rain, but for some reason tonight the downpour got her.

I try to be pretty strict on bedtime. 

But not tonight. 

I took my children in my arms and laid on our bed. Callum made those little baby gulping noises that come after a cry, and Brynn put her arm on mine in the halflight. We listened to the rain and the sound of Callum chomping down on his paci.  The weight of their warmth was all around me. Having these kids has been hard, but they are here and they are mine. 

I missed Austin and Daniel, but I felt them close. 

I told Brynn that I loved her, and she whispered "Yeah." And in the storm, my life is very sweet. 

I resolved to come here and write it down so I wouldn't forget it. Things are crazy, and I am changed after Cal's birth. Life is fragile, but maybe the fragility makes it all the more precious? I don't know. 

We're not supposed to have all the answers. We're just supposed to enjoy the quiet moments when we can. So I'm a different person than I was before August 17 last year, but different is okay, because when I'm different I learn to love even greater than I did before.