So I wanted to post something that would be bright and chipper. Something happy. But I just can't do it. It is a crappy day for me. If anyone wants to know what miscarriage and infertility are like, here are the raw details. I am sorry, but it is what I have in my heart today.
My babies were due on January 3rd. January 3rd. January 3rd. For a few short weeks last summer, this was my mantra. I thought about it all the time, happy down to my bones and feeling someone else's life inside of me for the very first time.
Today is May 3rd. If things had gone a different way, my babies would be 4 months old.
Today is the first Friday in May. This is when I found out last year that I was pregnant. I felt complete and full and joyous for the first time in months.
After it was over, I remember standing in the shower. Too stunned to even cry. Standing there and not moving and feeling all the water run over me. I thought, what if it takes another year? I can't do it. I can't do it. Not again.
And then I thought, You can. You've done it before and you'll do it again, if you have to. You can and you will.
Now I look back. I wish I could say I feel proud of myself for having done what I told myself I could do. I wish I could say I feel a little older now, a little better, a little wiser, a little stronger.
But today, I don't feel any of those things.
I am just empty.