Some Musings

So I've been thinking about some things recently.  Excuse me as I blurb all this out on the page to try and organize my thoughts.

I've noticed that in the female community, there is sometimes this artificial dividing line that women set up in their social connections (sometimes, mind you, not all the time).  It is the line between the Fertile Women and the Women Who Deal with Infertility.  And while I completely understand that it is natural for women to gravitate toward those who share their life experiences, it doesn't necessarily have to be this way.

Maybe one of the reasons why it is sometimes this way is because we pretend that there is a specific reason for the different situations in life that people have to go through. Like when someone I knew found out we've been at this for two years and their response was:  Oh, that happened to us too.  But it was a good thing, because we really weren't ready for kids. One day you'll be ready too.

Well.  Hm.  What they said might have been 100% true.  But I don't know if this is the most helpful way to respond to someone not being able to have a baby.  Let me explain.  For the first, oh, I don't know, 9ish months or so after we first started trying, finding out that we weren't expecting month after month made me feel really down on myself.  Getting that stinkin' negative is always going to be painful and just plain crappy, for a lot of reasons.  But one of the things that bothered me is that I wondered if it wasn't happening for us because Heavenly Father didn't think I would be a good mom.  I must not be as deserving as all the people around me who were having kids quickly and easily.

That's a pretty painful thought.

And it isn't true.

I have tried a thousand ways to be able to explain what I mean here.  And this is the only way I can think of to say it: God knows what's best, and He's in control. It is not useful to understand my life by the blessings I do or do not receive. Heavenly Father has His own reasons for doing things.  Sometimes He withholds what you are not ready for, and sometimes He withholds what you ARE ready for. By the same token, I think probably sometimes He grants what you are ready for and sometimes He grants what you are not ready for. (Yeah, you read that right.)  Basically, He knows what is best for me to help me reach my full potential.  And He certainly does not divvy out babies based on who He loves the best and who is the most awesome and who is the most mature. In His eyes, there is no "This kind of woman who can get pregnant" and "This kind of woman who can't get pregnant." There is just me, and what Heavenly Father has planned for me.  It is completely ridiculous to judge myself and my experiences in context of what is going on in other people's lives, because that's not how God works.

There aren't any formulas.  Yeah, there are lessons to learn with the experience that you are going through.  And it's very beneficial to seek out companionship with those who know what you feel like. But one of the first lessons I learned in going through infertility (and it probably works just as well for those going through  fertility) is that I CAN'T compare myself and my experiences to other people. None of that!  Just look at it as if Heavenly Father deals with you and what you need alone, without any respect or regard for what He is asking someone else to go through.  Because, in fact, He is capable of focusing on me as if I were the only person in the world.

The other reason I think we sometimes put up that fake dividing line between women is we don't understand what they are going through.  Maybe this is sort of the opposite of the scenario described above, where we compare ourselves to others.  Maybe sometimes we realize we CAN'T compare ourselves to others and it freaks us out.  So we shy away from that person, because we don't know how to react or what to say to them.  It's funny how both of the extremes end badly, isn't it?

So here is my contribution.  There are people out there who don't know what's it like to try for a long time for baby, or what's it like to lose a baby.  Here is how it affects me:

1) Today I had to give myself progesterone, even though it makes me throw up and it makes my hair fall out in absolute clumps.  Also I took a prenatal vitamin (it feels a little futile at times.  I am on my third ginormous bottle of those things.  And no baby).

2) I put together a baby present for someone I know.  It was hard.  It was hard because I'm happy for her, but I want what she has.  And I feel guilty for that.

3) I cleaned out the sink drain in my bathroom.  A few days ago we cleaned out our shower drain.  This is because of the aforementioned issue with my hair and the roller coaster of hormone crap, all part of our recent treatment efforts to have a baby.  I find my hair everywhere because it just falls out.  It doesn't really bug me that much except for it's gross.  Meh, hair grows back.  And it's not like I have a creepy bald spot or anything.  But, it is hard because this is what happened to me when my progesterone levels dropped after we had a miscarriage.  And that makes me remember.  And that makes me sad.

4) I didn't work today.  Wanna know why?  I quit my job.  Yeah.  I had a good job, but we decided it might help to get pregnant if I didn't work.  It was a really hard decision.  But at this point, we'll do anything.

5) And to end, here's a blessing we experienced:  On Friday night we went to the adult session of Stake Conference.  On the way home we blasted We are Young by FUN on the radio, rolled down the windows, and made a run to Sonic for half-off shakes (Yeah, half-off the whole summer.  You're welcome).  And it crossed my mind, we couldn't do this with a baby.

Not that I would have asked for this.  Not that I wouldn't have a baby at the drop of a hat if I had the chance.  But Maria says, When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.  Wisdom from Rogers and Hammerstein.  And that's where I will end this monstrosity of a post and call it a day.