The "Failed" Attempt

I know this is only my second post.  But get ready for a DOOZY.  (I know no one reads this.  I am going to act like people do.  Mmkay?)

So a little while ago, someone asked us (in a Sunday school class) when our baby was due.
First of all, I don't look pregnant.  That I'm sure of.  I think he just knew we had been married for about 2 1/2 years, and therefore, we must be having a baby sometime soon.

A little before that, I was told that I really wasn't focusing on the spiritual things I should be focusing on, because we do not have any kids yet.  (This from a very good man in our ward who I serve with in my calling as a ward missionary, and who I love.  He was a member of the Temple Presidency in Nova Scotia, and once he knew about our past experience, he was very sweet and understanding).

Before THAT, another sweet lady in my ward asked where my daughters were.  I told her we did not have any children.  She gave me a knowing look and told me I was smart.

No, not smart. Just unlucky.

So, I do NOT want this post to be a woe-is-me downer.  But I have decided that infertility and miscarriage are things that need to be more publicly acknowledged and understood.  Many times I have wished that there was somewhere I could go to just know that we are not alone, and not the only ones going through this, especially when it seems that most people I know don't struggle with infertility or miscarriage (I am aware that probably is not the case). Also, I will be honest--sometimes I just want to talk about this stuff with other people.  It would be nice to just get it off my chest a little.

So here is our story. 

We tried for eleven months to get pregnant.  And we were actively trying.  Contrary to what a few women who lived around me assumed, it was not for lack of trying that nothing was happening.  Trying to get pregnant is terrible.  It wears on you.  It brings up a lot of emotional things that are difficult for a woman to deal with, and a couple to deal with.  I realized how close Greg and I really were when we went through this.

We eventually did find out we were pregnant.  I bought gender-neutral clothes.  I sewed a blanket.  I cried and cried because I was so happy that the exhausting experience of trying to conceive was finally over, and I wanted my baby so much.

At the first appointment, Greg had to work, so I went in alone to see my baby on the ultrasound screen.  And there were two sacs!  The next thing I knew the obgyn was asking me if twins ran in my family.

And then, the next thing I knew, she was explaining how one sac did not show the fetal pole, and she couldn't pick up a heartbeat, and etc and etc.  I was told to start taking progesterone and come back a week later. On the drive home I called Greg and bawled into the phone.

We did lose those two babies.  I won't write about how I felt, what I prayed for. I'll just say I never miscarried on my own.  I had to have a D and C in a surgery center on the day I would have been 11 weeks.  I did gain a lot of comfort at this time.  I know my Heavenly Father was holding my hand through all of it. The only way I can describe it is that I felt like I was being shielded from the worst of it.

I was told that because I had naturally conceived twins, I was SUPER FERTILE.  Um.  Are you sure? I said.  Oh, yes.  We are sure. That was 10 months ago.  That being said, I know there are many women who have waited longer than I have.  Much longer.  Let me say that my heart truly breaks for you.  My husband and I keep you in our prayers.  I am sorry.  I think that one of the things I have gained from this experience is the ability to be more compassionate.  And I know it might not help, but I really am sorry.

Anyway....this post keeps getting longer.....just read a little more. 

So in January we went to a place called Brown Fertility here in Florida.  We did a bunch of awkward tests (one of which was the most painful thing I have ever experienced IN MY LIFE.  Totally worth it though).  I was diagnosed with a mild form of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. (It actually affects as many as 6-10% of women of child-bearing age). I had realized a while before that I didn't ovulate consistently, and now I knew why.

So last month, we went ALL OUT on fertility treatment options.  I took a low dose of femara, an ovulation drug.  When the low dose didn't work, we doubled it.  I personally injected an Ovidrel hcg trigger shot into my stomach to ensure I released an egg.  We did an IUI. (Yeah, I didn't know what it was either.  It's pretty awesome though.  Check the link to read about the awesomeness.)  Because I've had a miscarriage before, I took progesterone again.  The progesterone had side effects...pretty much, I felt pregnant. It was like last time.  And I knew.  I just KNEW that this would be the month.  We would be successful.  I loved the people at Brown Fertility, and Greg and I both felt that God had led us to Jacksonville, Florida, so we could have this chance.

And yesterday, our results came back.

Not pregnant.

Failed attempt.

Oh.  It hurt. But we picked ourselves up.  We are good at that now.  We watched General Conference for our church.  I may or may not have bawled through parts of it.  But we are Okay.  We will try again (as soon as I can get the excess progesterone out of my system).

Again, I know no one is reading this.  Maybe I have written out our saga as a means of coping.  Maybe I just feel driven to let someone else know that everything will be Okay.  It doesn't feel like it now.  I know it is the hardest thing you have ever gone through.  I know you are angry and absolutely broken.  At least, I was.  But things do get a little easier in some ways.  It is never totally alright, and it's perfectly fine to be sad, but I have realized I am a stronger person and truly capable of doing whatever it is that Heavenly Father asks me to do.  There is power in that.  It is not the power I asked for at the beginning of this.  No, I wanted the power to conceive naturally and quickly and keep my babies.  But I am happy I have become better.  And that's all.  I hope maybe someone who needs it will stumble across this and know they are not alone.  There are people with "failed attempts." But we will get through it together, and with God.