Monday, March 17, 2014

March 17th

Today is a day I've been thinking about for a long time. Today was my due date with Austin and Daniel.

We picked out all the flowers ourselves. Roses and daisies and two sunflowers. Even though I think they're pretty, somehow it just doesn't seem like enough.

March 17. It meant so much to me.

I'm not even sure what I want to say except for I really needed to make sure that I acknowledged this day. In some ways, the time has just flown by since that day in early October when I first held them. In some ways, I can't believe it's been so long. To me, it doesn't highlight so much the fact of how little they were when they came--how early it was. It more highlights the fact of how real they were so quickly. I hope that makes sense.

I have felt so broken-hearted today. Sometimes the enormity of this burden seems a little too hard to bear. Sometimes the enormity of what I have lost almost terrifies me.

But I don't think in those terms very often, because Austin and Daniel were always meant to come to our family in a specific way. I was never meant to raise them here, and that's okay. So in reality, I have lost nothing. I have gained everything. I am the mother of children who are walking now with God. What else could I possibly ask for?

Today Greg and I knelt in the Provo Cemetery and talked. We talked about how grateful we are that we have a friend who visits our sons sometimes and leaves gifts for them--just because she realizes how special they are. We talked about how it felt to be with them when they were born. We talked about their lovely baby smell.We talked about how we will raise them one day, how Greg will get to play catch with them, and I will get to watch all of my boys together.

I think sometimes I will even have the opportunity to finish carrying them.

In some ways I have nothing else to say and in some ways I have one thousand things I'd like to say. I wonder if tomorrow will be even harder than today because it will be after they were supposed to be born, after they were supposed to be safe with us, after I was supposed to be keeping them. I wonder if I will keep feeling silly that in November and December, I asked Heavenly Father over and over to help me get pregnant again quickly, so I wouldn't have to go through this day feeling so empty.

A lot of these things don't really matter. What matters is that Greg and I are okay, because we know that our children will always be ours. They are so real to us. When I am old and I finally wake to a brighter sun, I know who it will be that I see first, and I already love them.

I don't know if this is inappropriate, but whoever happens to read this, I have a favor to ask. Please say a small prayer for my extended family. There is someone I know who is struggling with extremely difficult things when it comes to stillbirth. I wish so badly that I could fix it for her, but I can't. Please pray that she and her husband will have the strength and comfort that they need. Asking this of you is the best I can do for them.

I know that Heavenly Father takes care of us, and I know our families really can always be together. I know that we are truly capable of doing whatever it is that God asks us to do, even when we don't think we are. I know that His plan for us is good.

My little family has taught me more than I ever could have learned otherwise. When you think of my sons, I hope you don't think of how things can sometimes be difficult. I hope you think of how things are sometimes much more beautiful than we ever could have imagined.

Love, Heather, Greg, Austin, and Danny


  1. you are in my thoughts today! Your testimony strengthens me. thank you!

  2. Heather, I just want to say that I love you so much! Thank you for sharing!

  3. I am so proud that you are my daughter, and that Greg is my son. I love you both, and Austin and Daniel, so very much!

  4. well said--I hope to be pregnant with my losses, too! Susan Andersen

  5. Heather & Greg: Our thoughts and prayers are with you. You have joined the millenial moms & dads club, and we all look forward to that really fun reunion with our "perfect" children. Be happy and feel the peace that only the gospel can bring. Love, Sheron Bradshaw

  6. I've read and reread this post, pondering what I could possibly say, but there's nothing. I remember February 13th almost as much as I remember September 10th, so I completely understand your feelings. I prayed much that same prayer, but it was that I would be pregnant before September 10, 2003 so I wouldn't have to feel that horrible again. I wasn't, but now I see that it was part of the plan--I needed to complete that first full cycle of mourning--every first I lived without. I don't know what the future will bring for you, but I do know that it does get easier. A little.
    Love you guys.

    Next time you're at the cemetery, look for the grave of Karen Tucker, and right next to it are the graves of Thaola and George Tucker, my grandparents. My grandma lost Karen at nine months to pneumonia, and she would speak longingly of her until she died. She raised five sons, but she always remembered her beautiful black-haired daughter that waited for her.