Today

It's funny to look back on blog posts.

Most of my recent posts have been musings on books, quick picture dumps, stories about vacations. It's a very different place than it was when this blog started. And that's fine. It's a good thing.

But I look back at how open and vulnerable I used to be on this blog, especially about infertility and miscarriage, and you know, that was good too. I just haven't blogged that way in awhile, and since I'm out of practice I guess it's been hard to transition back to that place where I was willing to put myself out there. I did it because I wanted support and I wanted to remember, but I also did it as a way to increase overall awareness about the scary, heartbreaking, black abyss that is infertility and child loss.

So now it's like....can I do that again?

Don't read too much into this, you guys. The last thing I need it a bunch of people making assumptions about when we're going to add more kids to our family. SO DON'T DO IT, OKAY??? Guess what, I don't know if you're aware of this, but I have NO CONTROL when it comes to these things. NOOOONNNNNNNEEEEE.

But obviously it's been on my mind, which is natural when you have an almost two year old and you don't want her to grow up alone.

I guess all that I'm trying to say is that I'm kind of sad today. I am so grateful for Brynn, but I sort of feel like I'm on a time crunch to provide her with a sibling. I wish I could do that for her. But you know, time crunches and fertility don't mix with me. I thought it would be easier this time around to jump back into the heartache and the uncertainty and the disappointment and the humiliation.

How I wish a miracle would just drop out of the sky, and make it all easy and fast and safe. But you know? My miracles take more the form of healing--not avoiding the wounds. Um, but really though, could I get some of those wound-avoiding miracles? Just this once? Could I pass on the waiting and the money down the drain and the feelings of inferiority? Please?

I'd like to acknowledge right here that we all have our trials. Comparing trials to those that others are going through is, frankly, stupid. Everybody goes through hard things, whether those things are visible or not. The fact that I'm sad about my trials in this moment doesn't mean I don't see the pain of other people going through different trials. Anyway. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

But here I am, and I'm here to say infertility and miscarriage suck. I've seen it hurt some of my best friends and my beloved family members in the last few years. Today it is making me feel heavy. I am weary of it, which is challenging, because my experience tells me I have years to go before I will smell that new baby smell and feel in my heart, Mine. 

Hello, my name is Heather, and I'm sad today. These things don't go away. They stick around. They make us stronger. They make us grateful. They make us kind.

But today it makes me sad.