Having a new baby is craziness, but right now both my kids are sleeping and something happened that I really want to remember. So how about I do a little recap of the last few months and then try to remember what I wanted to say from an hour ago? Too much in one post? Deal with it, internet people.
First, some pictures:
Christmas Day. Brynn is an amazing big sister.
Do you see the floating mountains of Pandora? We got Disney passes this year. Big ol' splurge because HOSPITAL happened to our family for 9 weeks straight and it drove us to our limits so WE DESERVE DISNEY.
Brynn on her first Sunday as a Sunbeam (three year old class at church)! Sniff!
Just look at my darling baby. Just look at him. Those blue eyes. He is a happy, smiley little boy. He has my heart.
Shenanigans with sissy...
A friend snapped this picture of me at the park just a week or so ago. Okay, I have like ten more pounds to go before I get to pre-Callum weight. But isn't he so sweet? He fell asleep in my arms as I pushed Brynn on the swings.
Flower chain. Because you are only three once.
I just love this little family of mine. I just love love love them. They make me so happy.
It blows my mind how fast time has gone by lately. Cliche much? But I mean it. Callum has grown so much, and so has Brynn. Cal is healthy, and though we might have to wait a bit to know how he'll develop after being born 9 weeks early, things are looking so good. We are so lovingly blessed by a Father who knows us.
Maybe time has gone by so quickly because our experience with having Callum in such a crazy way still colors my thoughts everyday. Obviously it has, because he's been home almost 6 months and I still feel the need to write about it. People ask how he's doing occasionally, and usually I say he's doing great, which is true.
But you know what? This whole thing affected me. Months have gone by and it's still affecting me.
For the most part, I am proud of how Greg and I dealt with Callum's crazy birth. We just buckled down and did what needed to be done. I only had one crazy person meltdown the whole time. I don't know how I dealt with him being in the NICU for six weeks. I don't know how I did it. How did I come home without him day after day after day? How did I pump and pump and pump and pump and pump, knowing that he still couldn't nurse and maybe wouldn't be able to for weeks? How did I make that drive to the hospital three, sometimes four times a day? How did I deal with leaving Brynn alone at home after having been without her for so long already? How did I feed him in the dead of night when he choked so often and it took so much effort and I was so exhausted?
I don't know. But we did it. Somehow we did it.
But just because we were brave doesn't mean it wasn't hard. Just because we worked really hard to have a good attitude doesn't mean it didn't shake me to my core.
First of all, PPROM haunts me. This isn't a fluke. It's a scary thing that I can't ignore and I can't fix. I have looked for information on the reoccurence of a woman's water breaking early. There is almost no research on it, because most women do not try to have more children after this happens to them. So that knowledge just floats around in my world and I have yet to really process it.
Also, is Callum okay? Yes, he is. But is he? How do I make sure that I don't treat him differently from Brynn? How do I stop wondering if he really is "okay"? Because he is. But...is he? So I try not to think about this often, and most of the time I succeed because my kids need me and my baby is adorable and laughing and growing and eating and breathing and I'm busy.
But is he okay, though? After days of being intubated and days of being on oxygen and antibiotics and some issue with white matter in his brain...is he okay? And when will this stop nagging at the back of my brain. Never. Because I'm his mom.
Also, if I ever have to enter any kind of hospital again, I will have panic attacks on panic attacks. I cannot go back. I dealt with it when I had to, and now I never want to ever again. I saw one of those hospital food trays in a TV show and the sight filled me with anger and all sorts of angst. So that's a thing.
Our lives have returned to normal. But they haven't really, because we have to find a new normal, and I'm not sure I've found it yet.
But I love my family, and right now, they are whole and safe, and that's enough.
Tonight Greg was gone, and the kids were in bed. We are trying to move up Callum's bedtime as he drops a nap, but it was a tiny bit rough tonight, and Cal woke up crying just as it started raining. It was one of those big, sudden storms that comes off the ocean, and the thunder and the noise was enough to remind me that we live in the tropics.
Brynn came out of her room with tears on her cheeks. Usually she is not afraid of rain, but for some reason tonight the downpour got her.
I try to be pretty strict on bedtime.
But not tonight.
I took my children in my arms and laid on our bed. Callum made those little baby gulping noises that come after a cry, and Brynn put her arm on mine in the halflight. We listened to the rain and the sound of Callum chomping down on his paci. The weight of their warmth was all around me. Having these kids has been hard, but they are here and they are mine.
I missed Austin and Daniel, but I felt them close.
I told Brynn that I loved her, and she whispered "Yeah." And in the storm, my life is very sweet.
I resolved to come here and write it down so I wouldn't forget it. Things are crazy, and I am changed after Cal's birth. Life is fragile, but maybe the fragility makes it all the more precious? I don't know.
We're not supposed to have all the answers. We're just supposed to enjoy the quiet moments when we can. So I'm a different person than I was before August 17 last year, but different is okay, because when I'm different I learn to love even greater than I did before.
