So We Moved to Utah

Well, the title says it all.

On July 12 we packed up and shipped out.

Last trip to the beach. 

Found the world's largest easel on our drive. If you need to locate it, it's next to Bubba's Meat Block and Bill's Shootin' Shop. Thanks Aunt Megan for coming with us! 

Callum on move-in day. 

The bunnies at Aunt Cathy's house. Brynn is escaping. She is not really an animal person. 

Anyway, in April sometime, a recruiter for Qualtrics came looking for Greg, and we thought, why not? Let's see where this takes us. Qualtrics is a great company, and Greg has not been exactly thrilled with some things going on at JnJ lately. The whole time, I thought that there was NO WAY we'd ever actually take the job.

Well, the calls went well. The online chats went well. The in-person interview went well. Next thing I know, we get a job offer here in Provo.

Greg was happy. I was happy for Greg.

But I was not happy about moving to Utah.

So, I have to pause here. I always feel a little bit guilty when acknowledging that moving to Utah wasn't my big dream or anything like that. We both have family in Utah, and that's a really good thing, you know? Of course it's been fun being back closer to where we both grew up. It's also very nice to be back in Provo where we met and dated, and there's a special security in knowing that Austin and Daniel's resting place is close by and I can go visit them whenever I want. It's also pretty cool that there are lots more temples out here than in Florida.

But, you know what?

I liked Florida. I loved Florida. I loved the storms that came off the ocean. I loved the walls of green forests that sheltered brackish creeks and turtles and alligators and dark musty swamp earth. I loved the dragonflies as big as my palms. I loved the swelter and the night-time noises of frogs in our backyard. Once that sand gets in your bloodstream you never really get it out.

I liked having adventures. I liked being with Greg and my kids out on our own. I liked traveling up to Savannah or Charleston or Atlanta. For crying out loud, I liked our DISNEY PASSES. I'm a wandering soul. And that's the way I like it. I would move 100 times before I grow old, just to experience something new. That doesn't mean I don't want roots. Of course, I miss my friends and my beautiful home back in Jacksonville.

And that's the thing. People treat me like I have roots in Utah that I must have been dying to get back to. But I didn't. If anything, I had roots in Jacksonville. Roots in the swamp country and roots that climbed into the ocean and wanted to float forever in the waves.

"Aren't you so glad to be back home?" people ask. Well, I suppose. In some ways. But Utah was never really my home.

I always dreamed that we would make it back up to the Northeast eventually. If we were going to move, that's where I wanted to go next. Back to Pennsylvania and the 200 year old farm houses and the winding roads built on colonial wagon tracks and the weekend trips into New York City.

But now we live in Utah. And Utah is...Utah.

I'm getting used to it. I miss my house. We are renting a new little townhome in Vineyard and it's kind of terrible. I miss being a homeowner. I miss having my own yard and not having strangers walk right outside my window. But it's fine.

I have really loved being closer to family. We've already been to my grandmother's 90th birthday party and a few other things that we otherwise would have just missed out on.

But I don't think the wanderlust will ever really go away. I crave new places. I want bright shores. I want big lands. I'm already planning where we'll go next. "Home" is with Greg and Brynn and Cal. Home is somewhere else. I'm homesick, but I don't even know where "Home" is exactly. Home is a feeling, and it's not a feeling that I have here.

I was heartbroken to leave Florida. Greg loves his job at Qualtrics and it does me good to see him happy. I know that this move was the right thing for our family, but that doesn't mean it was easy.

I guess we'll see where we end up. For now, I'm enjoying the journey and we have plans to experience new things here in Utah. That's enough for now. So why am I itching to move again? Because I am, and we just got here.

A Recap and A Moment

Okay. It's been a while. I'm aware.

Having a new baby is craziness, but right now both my kids are sleeping and something happened that I really want to remember. So how about I do a little recap of the last few months and then try to remember what I wanted to say from an hour ago? Too much in one post? Deal with it, internet people.

First, some pictures:

This is Callum a few days after he came home from the NICU. He probably weighed less than 6.5 lbs. So tiny. It's good to look back and see how much he's grown.

Christmas Day. Brynn is an amazing big sister. 

Do you see the floating mountains of Pandora? We got Disney passes this year. Big ol' splurge because HOSPITAL happened to our family for 9 weeks straight and it drove us to our limits so WE DESERVE DISNEY. 

Brynn on her first Sunday as a Sunbeam (three year old class at church)! Sniff! 

Just look at my darling baby. Just look at him. Those blue eyes. He is a happy, smiley little boy. He has my heart. 

Shenanigans with sissy...

A friend snapped this picture of me at the park just a week or so ago. Okay, I have like ten more pounds to go before I get to pre-Callum weight. But isn't he so sweet? He fell asleep in my arms as I pushed Brynn on the swings. 

Flower chain. Because you are only three once. 

I just love this little family of mine. I just love love love them. They make me so happy. 

It blows my mind how fast time has gone by lately. Cliche much? But I mean it. Callum has grown so much, and so has Brynn. Cal is healthy, and though we might have to wait a bit to know how he'll develop after being born 9 weeks early, things are looking so good. We are so lovingly blessed by a Father who knows us.

Maybe time has gone by so quickly because our experience with having Callum in such a crazy way still colors my thoughts everyday. Obviously it has, because he's been home almost 6 months and I still feel the need to write about it. People ask how he's doing occasionally, and usually I say he's doing great, which is true. 

But you know what? This whole thing affected me. Months have gone by and it's still affecting me. 

For the most part, I am proud of how Greg and I dealt with Callum's crazy birth. We just buckled down and did what needed to be done. I only had one crazy person meltdown the whole time. I don't know how I dealt with him being in the NICU for six weeks. I don't know how I did it. How did I come home without him day after day after day? How did I pump and pump and pump and pump and pump, knowing that he still couldn't nurse and maybe wouldn't be able to for weeks? How did I make that drive to the hospital three, sometimes four times a day? How did I deal with leaving Brynn alone at home after having been without her for so long already? How did I feed him in the dead of night when he choked so often and it took so much effort and I was so exhausted? 

I don't know. But we did it. Somehow we did it. 

But just because we were brave doesn't mean it wasn't hard. Just because we worked really hard to have a good attitude doesn't mean it didn't shake me to my core. 

First of all, PPROM haunts me. This isn't a fluke. It's a scary thing that I can't ignore and I can't fix. I have looked for information on the reoccurence of a woman's water breaking early. There is almost no research on it, because most women do not try to have more children after this happens to them. So that knowledge just floats around in my world and I have yet to really process it. 

Also, is Callum okay? Yes, he is. But is he? How do I make sure that I don't treat him differently from Brynn? How do I stop wondering if he really is "okay"? Because he is. But...is he? So I try not to think about this often, and most of the time I succeed because my kids need me and my baby is adorable and laughing and growing and eating and breathing and I'm busy. 

But is he okay, though? After days of being intubated and days of being on oxygen and antibiotics and some issue with white matter in his brain...is he okay? And when will this stop nagging at the back of my brain. Never. Because I'm his mom. 

Also, if I ever have to enter any kind of hospital again, I will have panic attacks on panic attacks. I cannot go back. I dealt with it when I had to, and now I never want to ever again. I saw one of those hospital food trays in a TV show and the sight filled me with anger and all sorts of angst. So that's a thing. 

Our lives have returned to normal. But they haven't really, because we have to find a new normal, and I'm not sure I've found it yet. 

But I love my family, and right now, they are whole and safe, and that's enough. 

Tonight Greg was gone, and the kids were in bed. We are trying to move up Callum's bedtime as he drops a nap, but it was a tiny bit rough tonight, and Cal woke up crying just as it started raining. It was one of those big, sudden storms that comes off the ocean, and the thunder and the noise was enough to remind me that we live in the tropics. 

Brynn came out of her room with tears on her cheeks. Usually she is not afraid of rain, but for some reason tonight the downpour got her.

I try to be pretty strict on bedtime. 

But not tonight. 

I took my children in my arms and laid on our bed. Callum made those little baby gulping noises that come after a cry, and Brynn put her arm on mine in the halflight. We listened to the rain and the sound of Callum chomping down on his paci.  The weight of their warmth was all around me. Having these kids has been hard, but they are here and they are mine. 

I missed Austin and Daniel, but I felt them close. 

I told Brynn that I loved her, and she whispered "Yeah." And in the storm, my life is very sweet. 

I resolved to come here and write it down so I wouldn't forget it. Things are crazy, and I am changed after Cal's birth. Life is fragile, but maybe the fragility makes it all the more precious? I don't know. 

We're not supposed to have all the answers. We're just supposed to enjoy the quiet moments when we can. So I'm a different person than I was before August 17 last year, but different is okay, because when I'm different I learn to love even greater than I did before. 

The Most Important Baking I'll Ever Do

Well, things have been a little crazy at the Zollinger house lately.

Also I'm not at the house.

Also my days are not crazy...they are pretty boring.

For those who may not know, we were expecting a baby in November! Yay!! I say "were" because we are now expecting him in September. We never "officially" announced it, because, frankly, we're weirdos. I had a cerclage (stitch) placed in my cervix just like we did with Brynn because I'm always going to be high risk. And things were going great! My cervix always measured on the long side and there were no signs that we'd have any problems.

Here is a belly pic I quickly snapped before church when I was around 22 weeks. Please note my messy bathroom and feel good about the fact that everyone everywhere has a messy bathroom sometimes. This is probably the only cute picture we will get for this pregnancy! 

Around 3 on Friday morning I woke up and something was wrong. I won't go into the details, because tmi, but I figured out pretty quickly that my water had broken. This is the same thing that happened with Austin and Daniel in 2013. It sounds silly, but I am glad I was asleep. It's been a little hard to relive all of that. 

Things are different this time around though, and we can't describe how grateful and lucky we feel. I did not lose ALL the amniotic fluid, and I was at 27 w 6 d when it happened. We rushed in to the ER really quickly and they transferred me to another hospital downtown. The first day was rough. There was about a 50% chance I would go into labor... but I didn't! Slowly they were able to start unhooking tubs and monitoring devices and by Saturday evening things had calmed down. 

I'm admitted now at the hospital until Baby Boy comes out. Hopefully we can make it to 34 weeks! At that point it's safer to deliver than stay pregnant. Our big concerns are infection, placental abruption, and just anything else that will cause early labor or complications for Baby. 

If Baby was born now, his outlook would be really good. He has passed the "micro-preemie" stage. Even though he'd have a long NICU stay in front of him, we are far enough long that we could probably avoid a lot of the scariest dangers of prematurity. I can't describe how amazing that feels. If this had happened even a few weeks earlier, I would have been much more scared. Certainly I'm nervous for Baby to be born too soon, but every cloud has a silver lining. I feel reassured that he'll come when he's meant to. I think he's a special person. If Heavenly Father wants to give him a few extra challenges early in life, who am I to question that? That might sound funny, but it's my way of turning over my children to Heavenly Father so that I can be the best mom possible. We feel very positive that everything will be okay. 

And Baby is doing great! He's a troublemaker but he's also a trooper. My fluid levels never got crazy low, and they have increased since it all happened! I am at a 14, which is a HUGE deal. Average fluid level is a 15! This is so great because Baby used the fluid to practice breathing. For right now, he's still able to develop normally. They monitor him often and he's doing all the things he's supposed to be doing. I even got this really cool 4D picture. 

Look at those little lips! 

So if anyone needs me, I'll just be here hanging out in my room in the ante/post natal area. I can't go home til he's born. The days are slow, but we've already made it through almost a week! I'm just happy he's still cooking. 

It's crazy strange that I'm not with Brynn all the time like I always have been. She's taking it all in stride. Toddlers are resilient. What's she eating? What's she wearing? How much TV is she watching? How can she go to bed without me checking on her??? How can I go to bed without checking on her?? Turns out, all the little things you worry about work themselves out. We're really lucky that my mom has been able to come out and hang with Brynn during the days. She visits all the time and we snuggle on my magical moving bed and watch movies and read books. It's strange, but it will be just a blip. In a year from now we'll look back and hardly remember the particulars of these days. 

Greg sends me lots of fun pictures like this: Just dancing and singing like Elsa. 

Today we are 28 weeks 5 days. We're just going to take one day at time and be happy for all the time we get. We'll certainly take prayers that baby will continue to grow and stay where he is for a bit longer! I will also take book and show suggestions. Also, does anyone know how to crochet? Thinking now might be a good time to learn. Also I've always wanted to speak French... 

I'm sure I'll be blogging more. Bedrest in a hospital seems to be conducive to free time. As long as Baby Boy is still baking, we'll take it! 

Elsa Dress

Just a quick sewing update post so I can shamelessly pin my own sewing to a Pinterest board!

A good friend asked if I could make her daughter an Elsa inspired play dress for her fourth birthday, and this is the result! Of course, it is Oliver + S Building Block Dress to the rescue again. I love how you can personalize the pattern so it turns out exactly how you want.

I was lucky enough to find some sparkly white fabric and rick rack. I went to a couple different stores before I landed on this PERFECT blue fabric as well. I didn't want to just go plain blue, and this pattern is kind of Nordic-y, which I think is fun.

This dress features double layered flutter sleeves, an invisible zipper, a shaped yoke with trim, a box pleat, waist seam pockets, and an exterior facing hem. I did have some trouble with getting that facing on without puckers, but it turned out okay in the end.

I've never been very good at bows, but I put this one together for R's birthday gift from Brynn.

Happy Birthday, R! I hope this dress brings you through many Frozen adventures.

Booky Books and Goodreads

All right, I've been thinking about what I want to do to chronicle the books I've read this year. And I think that what I've decided is that instead of putting them all up on my blog, I'm just going to try to be better at keeping my Goodreads account up to date.

If you haven't tried Goodreads and you like to read at least a reasonable amount, you should take a look. It's ridiculous how happy I am to have this nice little list of everything I've ever read and want to read. It is Book Lover's Utopia. 

So here's my Goodreads link because I know you want to follow me: https://www.goodreads.com/

So be my friend and let me see what books you are reading. This year I have read 10 books so far! My goal is to read 52 books this year, so I'm a little behind, but I have read some really good ones (The Chosen, Quiet, Speak, A Monster Calls...to name a few). 

Brynn's Upcycle Dress

Hey, today I'm feeling prett-ay crafty and awesome with myself because I actually did one of those diy things that's always floating around my facebook feed. I made Brynn a dress from a dude shirt! Yay! And I'm here to tell you all about it (read: brag shamelessly).

Please note, this is not really a tutorial. I definitely don't consider myself qualified enough to give crafty tutorials. This is more like a "HEYYY look at this cute thing I did here are some crappy cell phone pictures to prove I did it" type of thing.

But it's cute though, right??

So I went to Goodwill yesterday, which is not something I usually enjoy doing. But this trip was fun! I found this pink striped shirt in 3 seconds and I also walked out with 5 books for $2 and a giant heart-shaped cake pan because it's Valentine's day soon, so obviously I need a giant heart-shaped cake pan. 

So here's my shirt: 

And here's my ridiculously messy sewing room, because keeping it real: 

You know like on Pinterest and on blogs everyone's sewing room is neat and color-coordinated and cutely decorated? YEAH, JOKES. 

Also I have a cleaning up problem. In my defense, that chambray that is still on the floor made a darling dress for Brynn last week: 

So, back to my non-tutorial.

I used a dress to kind of trace the shape of the dress I wanted. At first I cut the collar off thinking I could keep the original neckline, but if you keep the neckline you can't keep the original hemline. So what I ended up doing is drawing the dress pattern from the bottom, and just making the dress long enough so that an original button was right under the seam line on the top. 

I used a bodice pattern piece to help drawing too. (From the chambray dress with the ruffles down the bodice front, which is why it's not a full pattern piece. I had to chop it up). 

So when I cut out the dress I did it on the fold so everything would be the same size/shape. First I did the front and then I used that piece to do the back. The neckline was just a little higher in the back. 

So then I sewed the shoulder seams. 

I wanted to do an easy neckline and bias faced is easy. But I was feeling way too lazy to make my own bias tape, and I wasn't sure I had enough material to make it anyway. So I used blue bias tape. Contrasting colors is like a thing people do, right? So it's not mismatched, it's a "fun surprise" or something. 

Neckline done! 

Then I used my trusty Building Block Dress book to draw a basic cap sleeve. 

So then I attached the sleeves and sewed up the side seams. 

I had Brynn try it on at this point (bribed her with a cookie) and I thought the dress looked a little too wide, kind of more like a lab coat than a cute dress. So I just trimmed off some on the sides and tried it again, and it was better. 

I did a gathered pocket on the front of the dress but didn't get any pictures of that part! Probably because Brynn was trying to "fix" my sewing machine by messing with the bobbin while I was working so I was a little distracted. 

But after the pocket and the sleeve hems the dress was done! 

Excuse the poor quality of photos. You can still tell she's cute, right? 

We like it! And it came together so fast. 

I told her to put her hand in her pocket and this is what she did. Brynn loves pockets! 

At some point I might put another button in at the front of the dress at the bottom to keep it closed better, but that can wait for now. I'm not feeling like buttonholes today. 

After I took pictures of Brynn, she wanted to take some pics of me, which is fair. 

After sewing, we had lunch, and Brynn wore her dress. And she needed some water which she wanted to get herself. 

Dangerous stuff, but I'm trying to let her be independent. She dropped her cup like half a second after this picture was taken, and then she slipped in the water. So while she was crying she told me her dress was wet and she needed a different one. So even though she only wore it for about 20 minutes I'm still happy with our Upcycle dress! I feel both crafty and thrifty! 

One of these days I'm going to stop sewing like a crazy person, but whatever. Not today. 

Confessions, Round 2 (And Some Profound Questions)

I couldn't find the floss to cut the pumpkin roll I made last week. And I realized the last time I used floss was to cut cinnamon rolls.

I don't know how to use half the settings on my dishwasher. It can't be that hard, but, I mean, what's the point? 

I watch The Magic School Bus with Brynn because I'm seriously entertained by that show. I've decided that Arnold should date Phoebe, D.A. should date Tim, Carlos should date Keesha, and Wanda should end up with Ralphie. I've really spent time thinking about this.

I do not know what Keto is. Seriously. What is Keto?

After years of boycotting Pinterest I am now obsessed. I have 3 followers.

I have never eaten a cake pop. I feel like I should. Are they good? Is it just a ball of cake?

I brush my teeth so vehemently I can ruin a toothbrush in like, three days. So I guess it's okay I don't floss.

I have no interest in watching "This Is Us." Who are all these people? Is there a plot to this show? Is it true someone died because their crockpot exploded?

There is a sign on the Young Adult section room in the library that says "Teens Only" but I sneak in there sometimes anyway.

I yelled at Greg during our Half Marathon because he said "You got this babe." In my defense it was mile 12.




He forgave me. But he also beat me by 26 seconds so...have I forgiven him?