Four Years, and Disney on a Whim

The cool part about my non-pregnant state? I can go to Disney and ride whatever I want, whenever I want. 

MWAHAHAHAHA. 

Today is our four year anniversary, and we celebrated in style. Last week we bought a four day pass to the happiest place on earth, mostly for our four year anniversary, and also partly for my birthday, and also partly because we're adults and we can go to Disney if we want to. 

We spent Saturday in the Magical Kingdom. Excuse my washed-out appearance, I was just not going to worry about being cute and stuff. Us in the Swiss Family Robinson treehouse: 

On a raft going out to Tom Sawyer's island: 

The Castle. Dreams come true and all that jazz. (Also a fellow in an orange shirt). 

Thanks to Heather's research, we did the park like pros. We rode Splash Mountain, Thunder Mountain, and The Pirates of the Caribbean all within an hour of parking. Disney is so commercialized, so predictable. But I'm always surprised at my own nostalgia, the way that musty smell inside Pirates makes me feel like a wild ten-year-old, the way the first glimpse of the castle makes me want to point and show people, the way I scream on Space Mountain just kinda because I want to. Call me sentimental, but it's a good feeling, you know? 

We have three more days...three more parks. Prepare to be inundated with blurry photographic evidence of our travels (if I can get myself to blog, that is). 

Four years. It's crazy. I had never meant to get married that young--and I told him so. 

But I wouldn't change anything. Through everything, our marriage has always been good and strong and happy. I think I have smiled more with him than I ever did in the whole rest of my life put together. I could go on with this cheesy stuff forever, but I'll just say that we are strong. We are just strong. The last four years have been the hardest of my life, but also the best, and I wouldn't change a thing.  

October 4th - One Year

I've been confused over the past month about what exactly this day is for us. This demonstrates, I think, one of the smaller heartaches that accompanies a life experience like this. We just don't have the language to describe the loss. What is it? Austin and Daniel's one year birthday? One year since a miscarriage? One year since the stillbirth of our sons? Sometimes I feel a little bit like I'm just stumbling around in the darkness in a very large room, and I don't know where the walls are or how long I'll keep looking, and all I can feel is the floor, and the floor is cold.

But other times I feel like I'm sitting in an open field with my hands folded, and there is sunshine everywhere. I decided a few weeks ago that I would simply think of this day, October 4th, as the year anniversary of the hardest and the happiest day of my life.

One year ago today I made such difficult decisions. One year ago today I was so extremely angry. One year ago today I labored for three and a half hours with hardly any help because I knew I had to be as aware as possible, and because I wanted to feel every bit of pain I could because I wondered if later the pain would be the only thing I would have left, and the only thing I could hang on to.

But all of that just pales in comparison to the blessings that we saw. One year ago today I felt the Spirit stronger than I ever have before. One year ago today I was told exactly what to do. One year ago today I gave a strong declaration that I would keep my covenants. One year ago today we saw the Atonement working in the most profound of ways. And one year ago today I held my children for the first time, and Austin looked more like Greg, and Danny looked more like me, and they were just absolute troopers. They did so well. And I have never been more proud in my entire life.

Today we did what we could to remember. Oaklawn Cemetery here in Jacksonville is beautiful, with spanish moss hanging from the trees and a riverbed running through. We walked in the quiet and found children. A set of siblings who both passed away in the fifties, and a set of siblings who passed away in the thirties, and others, too. We had two dozen roses and we made sure that all of them we could find were remembered. Of course, they don't really need the flowers. The ways their parents love them could never be fully described, and God himself is aware of these children in the most beautiful of ways.

We kept two flowers, just for us. One for Austin, one for Daniel. Now they are on my kitchen table, and they don't make me sad. They make me happy.

I don't know if anyone visited Austin and Daniel today. I hope some did, not because Austin and Daniel need it, and not even exactly because I need it, but more because I think that it is a place on earth where we can understand what is really important.

I know that things work out. I know the gospel never ceases to work. I know we are stronger than we seem, and I am grateful for a God who lets us realize it.

Lucky Girl

Do you ever have a very distinct thought string itself through your mind, put together all perfectly even though you were never conscious of putting it together? Something that comes to you almost unbidden but belongs to you so completely at the same time?

Today I watched Greg through the front window as he headed out for work.

I'm a lucky girl, I thought. I'm a lucky girl. 

I know I spend a lot of time complaining, but sometimes the simplest things remind me of how good life still is, of how lucky I am.

I wouldn't ask to be anybody else, and I wouldn't want my life to be any different. Sometimes I think you realize what really makes you whole in the moments when you feel the most broken.

Ether 12:27

Goyito Gets a Bike, and the Stages of Infertility

We made an exciting purchase in the Zollinger family recently. No, not a puppy (although I've thought about it). Not another car. We bought ourselves a bike.

I have a church assignment that requires me to be in Orlando one day a week. It's a bit of a drive, and since we still are a one-car family, we needed some way to be able to get Greg to and from work. The solution was exciting for Greg because it's something that he's thought about before: a commuter bike.

Greg did his research and got himself a cheaper model, a single-speed fixie. (Yeah, I know what a fixie is now. I'm cool, too.)

Needless to say, he's had himself a whole lotta fun lately.

Even Heather took a ride. Remember that feeling of riding a bike with no shoes on? Makes me feel like I'm nine years old. 

I know, I know. A new bike. Try to contain your excitement. 

In all seriousness, this really is the most exciting thing going on for us lately. I read Foucault and "The Paranoid Style in American Politics" for school and Greg goes to work and that's pretty much it. That might attest to the sparseness of the blog lately, my friends. 

If I was going to be completely honest, I'd probably acknowledge that there are other reasons the blog has been neglected. This blog really began as a way for Greg and I to discuss trying to add children to our family. This is still a battle we fight day by day (and day after day after day after day...) Later this blog became one of my outlets to discuss coping with the loss of our little boys. I'll always be grateful for the ways that documenting our survival was one of the most powerful tools Heavenly Father gave us in helping us to survive. 

But things have changed. I don't know what it is. I can't put my finger on it. First, I realized that the things I write could potentially be difficult to read for someone who is undergoing infertility challenges, but is struggling with things that are even more difficult than what Greg and I are going through. I know that might sound like a silly fear to someone who hasn't gone through infertility, and maybe even to a lot of you who have. I just didn't want to be involved in anything that was hurting anybody. 

But it's more than that, too. I've just changed. I just feel like now I need a little privacy. There are many reasons for this, which I don't really feel a need to go into. One day, maybe I will. 

There is one thing I should make clear, though. Our silence is by no means an indication that we have given up. We are still motivated by faith, and our knowledge that God is aware of us and things will work out. At the same time, I feel like lately I've just been wrapped up by this whole other identity. Instead of being the woman who is trying to have kids, somewhere along the line I've just become the woman who doesn't have any. I know, of course, that I do have children, so this identity is based on a lie. And maybe this is really what it is. Because of our experience with Austin and Daniel, I have trouble picturing myself with a healthy baby in my home. It's just been so long, I don't know how to be anybody else. 

We still have a strong faith and a knowledge that things will work out. But the strength I've gained has sort of come at a price. I'm strong, but I'm also tough. Thick-skinned. So thick-skinned, in fact, that I'm dismissive of the people in my life and I've maybe even forgotten what it is that I've wanted all along. 

I've told you before what I want. I've told you before that things aren't fair. I've told you before that I'm heart-broken. I've told you before that I'm strong enough to handle it, that God makes us all capable of handling it. I've told you before that good things will come, and I still believe that good things will come.

What I didn't know how to tell you is that I'm struggling to care. The funny thing about apathy and infertility: the desire doesn't actually go away. The pain doesn't go away. You just wake up one day and realize that it's the only thing you know, the only backdrop to life that you remember, and after healing from the same wound over and over again, you begin to worry that maybe you are incapable of feeling anything at all anymore. 

Here's a confession: I wasn't going to post this. I was afraid that I wasn't clearly defining how I felt, the weird juxtaposition between continuing to have hope and letting go of it all. But Greg has read the post. "Finish it," he said. "People need to know."

Yeah, people need to know. You keep fighting. You keep believing. And you keep crying in the moments when you least expect it. But this is the reality of infertility. 

Somewhere along the line, you just accept it. I can't fix this as easily as I thought I could. This is who I am. 

This is my life. 

Happy Birthday, Greg

The blog has been pretty silent lately, but we had to commemorate the Day of Birth of one Greg Zollinger.

Last week this guy turned 26.

I forgot to buy wrapping paper, so I went with the homemade variety: 

Gifts: New socks (he always wants socks), Manchego, Tipsy goat, and Iberico cheese (it's a Spain thing), and a shiny, spanking new watch. 

I did a ton of research before I bought it. Did you know you can spend $5000+ on a watch? You know, if you're an insane person. Needless to say we went with one a bit cheaper than that. This watch is not one of the top brands, but it is a kinetic automatic. It stays in sync based on the movement of your arm. No batteries. 

I have a killer chocolate cake recipe. We always do cream cheese frosting around here. None of that plain powdered sugar stuff. I used a little dark cocoa to decorate. The cake layers did not lean or fall over, because I chopped the uneven sides off just like Buddy Valastro showed me. 

I didn't mean the cake to look so zebra/girly, but whatever. 

Greg sizing the band on his new watch under the Happy Birthday sign.

After presents and the cake unveiling, we went out to dinner at Ted's Montana Grill. I ate BISON POT ROAST, people. Now I'm a true American. (Cherry Coke on the side. Don't tell my parents. Or Greg's mom. You can tell Steve). 

Greg had himself a bison burger. 

Token bad picture of Heather: 

I got this picture from Greg the next day. The watch holds up nicely at work. Birthday success. 

Happy Independence Day

On a whim, Greg and I decided we would go up to Atlanta for the Fourth of July. Eh, why not? I'm as adventurous as the next girl.

After driving down Friday morning, we went to eat at a place called The Varsity. I am blogging about this because it is the largest Drive-thru in the world. Seriously. It was ridiculous. They had two levels of parking and probably employed 100 people. It was a ginormous maze filled with fast-food eating, American loving Georgians. There were probably 10ish eating rooms tuned to different TV channels. I wonder if the CNN people and the Fox people ever have food fights?

^These were old desks in there that looked hijacked from an abandoned middle school. Sweet, right? 

It was just really big. The food was mediocre at best. But sometimes that's not actually the most important thing, right? 

After that we went to the World of Coke.

Coca Cola was invented in Atlanta in the late 1800s. I think they pump the smell throughout the whole building. I don't even really like Coke that much. When I'm feeling particularly righteous I won't really even drink it. But they had a bunch of exhibits with vintage Coke ads and other memorabilia and I really loved those. Love American social history. Just love it. One day I would like to have a vintage American-y themed den or something. They also had international Coke ads, too, and those were fun. The big attraction is a tasting room where you can taste 60+ different Coke products from around the world that you can't get in the US. I REALLY like Ugandan Fanta, but everything else was kind of gross. Sadly, both of our phones kind of died, so we didn't get many pictures of inside the building. Just imagine stuff like this:

On Friday night we went to a Braves/D-backs game. I'm not sure what it says about me that I felt very little loyalty to the Diamondbacks. I ended up rooting for the Braves...which was good, cause they won. 

The stadium was packed! Everyone likes some good old fashioned baseball on the Fourth of July. 

A fireworks show in the stadium is really fun. You can see really well and the crowd feels uber-American. Good pictures of fireworks are impossible but this one's not bad: 

On Saturday we decided to go see Stone Mountain. Stone Mountain is a carving into a giant granite hillside in Georgia of Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee, and Stonewall Jackson. 

I very appropriately wore my Yankees shirt on Saturday. The history behind this place is not all positive...the Ku Klux Klan was re-initiated on top of this hillside in the 1910s. But, again, solid American history. And I have a lot of respect for Robert E. Lee. 

We toured some historical buildings and such around the site. This is a 19th century lattice bridge. 

All in all, Atlanta is a super fun city to spend the Fourth. I've had some fun Independence days the last few years, and they have all been spent in different locations (2009-Vienna, Austria. 2010-Circleville, UT. 2011-Idaho Falls, Idaho. 2012-Austin, TX. 2013-Jacksonville, FL. 2014-Atlanta,GA. Sweet, right?). And next year we will be somewhere else in the Northeast! I love doing little trips like this with Greg. It's fun. It's a blessing in our lives right now. And Goyito is a hottie pants. 

Welcome to Primary

So this has sort of been my life for the past few days:

So this past Sunday I was put in the Primary Presidency in my ward. In a Latter-day Saint ward, the Primary is an organization where all of the children learn about Jesus Christ and the gospel on Sundays. So as the second counselor I help to organize the teachers, put together a Primary program, manage Activity Days for the girls and Scouting for the boys, conduct and help with Sharing time, and a lot of other stuff I'm sure I can't even think of. 

It has never occurred to me how little I know about the background of Primary until I got this calling. I'm like, Primary has a budget, what? Primary programs are not pre-written, what? Scouting whaaaat???? 

Good thing I'm the Second Counselor and that the Primary President and the First Counselor are super-smart, awesome ladies. I am unbelievably excited to work with them. I know I will learn so much. 

But outside of that, I am also so happy to have something so worthwhile to dedicate time to. I've spent a lot of time trying to educate myself and read the handbook and find resources. It's great. Primary is important. Helping children to understand that God loves them is important. Families are important. It is all just SO IMPORTANT. 

It's been another testimony to me that Heavenly Father is aware of me. I have been praying like crazy that I would get a calling that would A) take up a lot of my time and B) get me involved with a lot of people in the ward. To be busy just for the sake of being busy is not necessarily good. But I think having worthwhile, constructive things to engage in is just a really good thing for me right now. 

A few months ago Greg and I were talking about what we could do to improve our lives and help us be happy. NEWSFLASH: Greg is a better person than me. No, like, really. He said something like "I just think we should be serving people more." 

When I heard that--I will be honest--this is how I felt: 

You get the picture. 

I'm really not a bad person. I hope no one minds that I keep talking about this, but we've just had a rough year. And sometimes when it is the most beneficial to turn outward to others is when it's also the hardest. Sometimes in the moments when Heavenly Father needs you to love others the most is when you feel the most tempted to just focus on yourself and what you want. These types of temptations during trials are difficult because they are the temptations that you feel most justified in indulging. 

But I am proud of myself that I've realized that this opportunity to be busy and serve and focus on other people is exactly what I need. Not only is it what I need, it is what I want. Heavenly Father does answer prayers. I believe all callings in the church are inspired because Heavenly Father cares about us and the church, but never in my life have I felt so strongly that I am exactly where I need to be. 

Greg is busy in the ward, too. Our first Sunday back in May he was called to be the Young Men's President. Talk about intimidating. It's been great so far. It's been so fun to watch Greg figure things out. As a couple we care so much about the boys in the ward. We pray about them, we are concerned for them, we are proud of them. It's just fantastic. I'm excited to see the same kinds of blessings and responsibilities come to me as I try and serve with the kids in Primary. 

So does anybody have any awesome resources that they love for Primary? I've heard of that Sugar Doodle thing, but what are your favorite Primary traditions/materials/etc? 

**IN OTHER NEWS, I ran my fastest 5k today. 28 minutes on the dot. Woot woot. (Treadmills count, right?)